Stop Trying to “Save” Everyone: It’s Toxic.
Why we do it, why it’s bad, and how to stop.
We’ve all heard “you can’t help ’em if they don’t want to be helped” or “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink,” but knowing that doesn’t stop us from reaching out when people are hurting.
I’ve got this friend I adore who recently buried herself in a series of terrible choices that have completely altered the trajectory of her life.
As her friend sitting on the sidelines, I want to help, especially in such a complex situation. Initially, my role in this was that of listener. I heard her while she got her thoughts out of her body. I encouraged her to get professional help for her more complicated issues. And I tried to give her an outlet where she could be vulnerable without judgment.
I’d offer my thoughts and ask questions about her situation because I could see she was headed down a dangerous path. I compared notes with a few of our closest friends out of concern, and we met to discuss the best ways to support her.
And while I don’t regret coming together with those people to try to help her, our efforts have been for naught because our loved one doesn’t want our help.
You see, she doesn’t think the problem is as big as it is. There’s this massive wake of hurt behind her and she’s not taking responsibility for it. When she does speak of accountability, she minimizes some truly heinous things and downplays or completely dismisses the feelings of those she’s hurt.
And it breaks my heart to watch because I want to do more somehow. At this point, though, I can’t help her because she’s not interested in helping herself, not in a healthy, truthful way at least.
And because I know that, I know that anything I try to do from here forward would be about me, not her.
What’s the difference between helping and saving?
My feelings for my friend aren’t unique. I figure anyone who has an ounce of empathy would try to help others in difficult situations.
There’s a difference between helping people — which comes with boundaries— versus saving people, though.
If we’re in a healthy place with firm boundaries and we realize the things we’re doing to help aren’t taking root, then we leave. We don’t continue to invest in people who don’t want to do the work themselves. Once we know we’re not going to get anywhere, choosing to stick around and “help” more becomes about us, not about the people we’re trying to help.
When we’re trying to help without healthy boundaries, then we open ourselves up to a slew of problems. This is when helping becomes saving.
It’s obvious they don’t want help, so why do we keep pushing?
We can only try to help so many times without results before it’s time to step back and allow a person to make their own choices without our interference, even if we’re asked for advice. This can be extremely hard when that person is our loved one.
We keep pushing to help because
- we feel helpless. It’s hard to watch people we love make a mess of their lives and not say something.
- we think we’re the only ones qualified to help. It could be that the person asking for help made us feel special, usually through compliments around why they “need” us. It could also be that we’ve got our own issues and think that we somehow know best.
- we feel desperate. We love this person and we know they could be doing better so we’re trying everything. Spoiler alert: You can’t love someone so hard they change into the potential you see in them.
- we are avoiding our own problems by investing in someone else’s. Before therapy, I did this. I had trauma work to do and if you’ve never done that, let me tell you — it’s not easy. What was easy back in my codependent days was to listen to other people’s problems so I didn’t have to think of my own.
- we can’t control things in our own lives and so we’re hoping to find power by “helping” someone else. Here we realize that we’re interjecting ourselves into others’ issues on purpose. We relieve the feeling of powerlessness by being involved in issues we feel are less complicated than our own.
Another reason we might feel compelled to be involved is that we have a savior complex. This is its own ball of wax and requires introspection and (typically) professional assistance. If you “only feel good about yourself when helping someone, believe helping others is your purpose, [and/or] expend so much energy trying to fix others that you end up burning out,” you might have a savior complex. Further traits of a savior complex could be that
- you’re attracted to vulnerability or “fixer-uppers.”
- you try to change people because you know how they can improve their lives.
- you need to find a solution and can’t just listen without acting.
- you think you’re the only one who can help.
- you help for the wrong reasons, like thinking a person can’t handle it themselves and so you’re going to step in and save them.
What’s so wrong with wanting to keep trying to “help” people?
No matter what your boundary-less “helping” (read saving) looks like, it’s unhealthy for you. You’ll get burned out devoting all that energy to someone who drains you dry. You’ll lose resources over it. And you’ll likely grow to resent the person who keeps wanting your advice but never takes it.
Additionally, if you’ve got someone in your life who’s always reaching out for your “help” and taking up your time, what’s that doing to your own life to keep letting them? They’re looking for attention and you’re giving it to them at the expense of your own hobbies, interests, and relationships. Don’t keep giving to someone who’s only taking.
The emotional rollercoaster around overextending yourself for someone is a horrible ride, too. Outside of resentment, you might also experience frustration, anger, depression, irritation, inadequacy, loss of control, diminished self-worth, and more. It’s not worth buying a ticket to feel this way about yourself at the end of the ride.
How do I save less and help more?
My friend is still in the middle of the effects of her bad choices. There’s a little army of us who are all involved differently and responding differently to her.
It could be argued that, since I’m not as directly involved as the others in the army, it’s easier for me to help instead of save. While I would agree this might be true normally, it’s not for me. That savior complex we were talking about? Yeah, I had that, and it’s taken years of therapy to address it.
So it’s hard not to reach out and tell my friend where she’s hurting herself and the people who love her. It’s heartbreaking to watch the rest of the army hurt when she lashes out, denies the validity of their experience, plays the victim, or unjustly villainizes them in her narrative.
But what I’ve learned though all the life lessons and therapy work is that people aren’t going to take your help — even if they’re asking for it — unless they want it. To keep pushing them to listen to you, even when you know that you’re right, is futile. It’s like addiction — folks don’t quit until they want to.
So protect yourself. It’s your energy, and you get to decide who you give it to.
- Don’t interject without an invitation. If you’re not asked for your thoughts on someone’s problem, don’t offer them.
- If you’re asked for advice and then dismissed, take the nearest exit. Don’t argue with people who don’t want to listen, who talk over you as you’re talking, or who immediately tell you why your idea won’t work. These people aren’t looking for solutions.
- Listen without acting. A lot of times, people just need to be heard and validated. They don’t need to be fixed. It’s okay to ask your person if they just need to rant.
- Offer to help without taking over. So long as you mean it, you can say something as simple as “Let me know if you need anything” and not be invested unhealthily. Also, it’s okay to ask your person, “Am I just listening or do you need my advice?”
- Be introspective. Now that I’m aware of my behaviors, I can see when I’m teetering on the edge of helping and saving, and I can step away. Check in with yourself and make sure that you’re not hiding from your own demons behind others’ problems. Do you want to be in that conversation? Do you feel like you’re being respected or heard? Are you being talked to or talked at? How many times have you “helped” this person with this same issue?
- Exert boundaries. If you find yourself deeply involved in something you realize is emotionally draining and you don’t want to be there, get up. You’re not being rude by disengaging in someone else’s drama. It’s not your problem.
Always remember — you’re in control.
Please leave a little space for the people who need to talk out loud to process information before they can make changes. I’m one of them, and it’s instrumental to us who do this that we have a safe space to think out loud. You’ll feel the difference in a conversation like this, though, because we truly want your help, so it’s a genuine conversational exchange.
In the end, there are a lot of people who will drain you of everything you’re willing to give them. Make sure that you protect yourself with firm, healthy boundaries. And never feel guilty for removing yourself from a situation that is disrespectful to your boundaries.
We should learn to protect ourselves from the drama of someone looking for help they don’t actually want. What they actually want is attention, and it’s up to you how much of yours you’re going to give them.
Thanks for reading. ❤ Jennifer
