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Stop Trying to “Save” Everyone: It’s Toxic.
Why we do it, why it’s bad, and how to stop. We’ve all heard “you can’t help ’em if they don’t want to be helped” or “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink,” but knowing that doesn’t stop us from reaching out when people are hurting. I’ve got this friend I adore who recently buried herself in a series of terrible choices that have completely altered the trajectory of her life. As her friend sitting on the sidelines, I want to help, especially in such a complex situation. Initially, my role in this was that of listener. I heard her while she got her…
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Learning Authentic Love through The Art of Detachment
How to set boundaries, love purely, and conquer the pain of loss with loving detachment. Letting go is the best way to hang on.
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Getting Out: Reclaiming Your Turf after Abuse
Reclaiming your favorite restaurants. That song you both loved. The gym where you worked out together. Your people. It can be more than your heart (and overthinking head) can take. Too bad you can’t hide in bed and avoid the ghosts of your once-happiness… Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. And you’ve got bills to pay. Reclaiming your personal space after the end of an abusive relationship can be challenging, but it’s totally manageable. Reclaiming the rest of the world, however, might feel downright impossible. Don’t be discouraged, though. Take a deep breath. Stop shaking. Unclench your jaw. (Your dentist is going to be pissed about that later, too.) Pull your…
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Coming Home: How To Reclaim Your Space after Abuse
If you lived with your abuser, or if your abuser spent any real time in your home, then you probably still see the memories — good, bad, and horrific — play out like movie clips right in front of you. Maybe you hear his laugh and smile sadly for the sweetness that once was. Or… you hear him yelling and wince at the malicious delight in his eyes when he sees that he hurt you. Maybe you even dread going home because you don’t want to keep reliving these moments, seeing and feeling the ghosts of what was, trying to push through the longing for what should have been. Maybe…
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Red Flags, My Favorite Flower
It took me a long time to sort my introverted narcissist out for the monster he is. Of course, part of that was my own denial. I loved him. I didn’t want to believe it. Besides, we had that one good day that one time five weeks ago. Isn’t that worth fighting for?! Sigh. Back then, red flags were my favorite flower, and he showered me in them. Had I known better, I’d have been on the lookout for these signs you’re dealing with a narcissist (or person with narcissistic traits). Gaslighting Gaslighting is usually the first way to tell the thing, as long as you can recognize it for…
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The Curse of Overthinking…
Trying to ward off the curse of overthinking seems futile. You know you’re going down sketchy paths of your own creation, but you can’t stop yourself from careening into the abyss. The struggle is real …and exhausting. That’s where I’ve been. Between wrapping up the school year and a sideways personal life, I just kinda struggled to come up with something important to say. I want to post regularly, of course, but I find myself, well, overthinking the whole thing and stagnating in a pit of doubt. If you’re an overthinker, you get it. Try as you might, sometimes you just can’t get out of the feedback loop. Then one…
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You Can’t Go That Way…
The other day, I was walking down my alley to go to the City Market around the corner, and I stopped to talk to a former student of mine (we’ll call her “M”) who’s now a member of the Blue Suede Brigade, downtown’s boots-on-the-ground safety and hospitality personnel. As she and I are celebrating her fifth day without a cigarette (good for you, chica!), this lady in a minivan drives up the alley and stops beside us. I immediately think, “But you can’t go that way.” She tells us that she wants to drive across Main Street to get on Front Street. And while continuing straight down that alley was…
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The Broken Makes Us Beautiful…
On the last Monday of February, I had the final session of a biweekly therapy group that’s been meeting for about four months. Our only bond before this group was that we all trusted our mental health journeys to the same therapist. We’ve studied all kinds of things together, swapped stories we’ve never shared before or only to a small handful of people we infinitely trust not to use them against us. We cried and we held space for one another to speak without judgment. Somewhere in there, we learned to be less judgmental of ourselves. Over the past few months, we studied various practices and theories in psychology and…
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15 Things to Know about Being Mental
I’ve learned that if you can’t laugh at your mental illness(es) sometimes, you really will lose your damn mind — and your sense of self. I’ve lost both. Then I found ’em chasing each other through the broken glass of a downtown alley, cut myself up dragging them back against their will. If you love someone who’s living life despite their mental illness, there are some things you might appreciate knowing so you both stay a little more sane. That said, I’m not a licensed professional and this is purely anecdotal and from my own experiences and work with my therapist. This kind of took on a life of its…
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Day 16: Thanks, Kid.
I know you feel stuck, Kid; you’re fighting what feels like an impossible fight and you’re not gaining any ground. I know you had big dreams based on bigger promises and all that’s crashing down around you. You feel helpless and out of control. I know it hurts to breathe and you can’t imagine the new world order in front of you. I know your heart’s been broken so many times you’ve lost count. But thank you. For choosing to look past treatment that shook you to the core and challenged what it meant to love another person greater than yourself. Hell, for dealing with things that challenged you to…
